i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
