eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
