If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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