VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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