My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize