Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
