I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
