I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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