I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
