I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
