I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
