I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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