In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
