Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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