Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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