Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
