I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
