It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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