Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
