living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
