I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
