the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
