fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just gargled with NyQuil
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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