tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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