We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
