Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
