then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize