Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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