I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
