At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
