I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
The best revenge is premature balding
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I could fuck to npr.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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