I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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