I accidentally had phone sex last night
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize