You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
