Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Randomize
