What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
She even gives head with a lisp.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
