I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
