Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
sarcasm needs its own font
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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