We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
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