And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Randomize
