his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
