Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
