Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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