She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
