OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
