did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Randomize
