are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
