i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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