I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
