she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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