MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
