i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
