saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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