I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Randomize
