good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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