hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
