I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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