I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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