your parents love me but you hate me
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
