So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
