someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
