I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
