There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I want a musical about memes.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
