the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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